A Reunion and an Ending

I actually started writing this about a year ago, and struggled to find all the right words to express what I was feeling and thinking. Here I am a year later, still not having the words but drawing closer to the end and the story is changing.

In January 2015 on a Sunday afternoon I hopped in an Uber and rode to Starbucks on Canal Street and took a couple of deep breathes and I prepared to have coffee with a man I hadn't seen in 27 years. The last time I had seen my Dad, I was 12 years old. It was an informal meeting at a Burger King on Ft. Sam and it was my Grandma and I, he happened to be in San Antonio for a day and we arranged to meet. He stayed for about 15 minutes, asked all the questions you ask, and then gave me a gift - it was a Swatch watch. And then he was gone. Our interactions though my life were spotty at best, but after that particular meeting I decided I was done.

Fast forward 27 years after lots of working through junk I decided it was time to reach out. I wasn't expecting a great reunion, just passing a peace pipe and maybe some friendship. It's been a bit of a roller coaster, getting to know each other, keeping boundaries, and moving forward. It has been difficult, but I'm glad I'm made that connection.

I got a phone call today from Dr. Sweeney at Tulane hospital. My Dad is back in the hospital after a months stay just a few weeks ago. It is the call that I have been expecting. There is nothing more they can do for him. His health has declined in such a matter that to do more would simply make him more miserable and complicate his already complicated health. He is beyond staying in the care of family and having home health assistance and there are virtually no health care facilities that will take him in with the toxic medications he is on. And while they will try to place him, he will probably have to go to hospice without the meds, thus diminishing his already limited time on this earth.

This has been such a conflicted time. I have been called on to make life and death decisions for someone I was just getting to know, and still don't fully know. I'm preparing to say goodbye to someone I just said hello to. There is the part of me that wants to place blame at his feet. "If you had been there, we wouldn't be here now". Then there is the rest of me, that is trying to make the best decisions that I think he would want.

This journey is no fun. It really is no fun being an only child dealing with a formerly absent Dad, and yet this is the journey I'm on. They say that God doesn't give you more than you can bear. So, I'm operating on that He thinks I'm capable of handling this and getting through it without having a complete mental breakdown.

I have no idea what the next couple of weeks or months are going to look like, so I'm powering forward, continuing this journey. I don't regret making that call in 2015. That coffee meeting brought me to today and gave me 3 years that I hadn't anticipated having.