A Reunion and an Ending

I actually started writing this about a year ago, and struggled to find all the right words to express what I was feeling and thinking. Here I am a year later, still not having the words but drawing closer to the end and the story is changing.

In January 2015 on a Sunday afternoon I hopped in an Uber and rode to Starbucks on Canal Street and took a couple of deep breathes and I prepared to have coffee with a man I hadn't seen in 27 years. The last time I had seen my Dad, I was 12 years old. It was an informal meeting at a Burger King on Ft. Sam and it was my Grandma and I, he happened to be in San Antonio for a day and we arranged to meet. He stayed for about 15 minutes, asked all the questions you ask, and then gave me a gift - it was a Swatch watch. And then he was gone. Our interactions though my life were spotty at best, but after that particular meeting I decided I was done.

Fast forward 27 years after lots of working through junk I decided it was time to reach out. I wasn't expecting a great reunion, just passing a peace pipe and maybe some friendship. It's been a bit of a roller coaster, getting to know each other, keeping boundaries, and moving forward. It has been difficult, but I'm glad I'm made that connection.

I got a phone call today from Dr. Sweeney at Tulane hospital. My Dad is back in the hospital after a months stay just a few weeks ago. It is the call that I have been expecting. There is nothing more they can do for him. His health has declined in such a matter that to do more would simply make him more miserable and complicate his already complicated health. He is beyond staying in the care of family and having home health assistance and there are virtually no health care facilities that will take him in with the toxic medications he is on. And while they will try to place him, he will probably have to go to hospice without the meds, thus diminishing his already limited time on this earth.

This has been such a conflicted time. I have been called on to make life and death decisions for someone I was just getting to know, and still don't fully know. I'm preparing to say goodbye to someone I just said hello to. There is the part of me that wants to place blame at his feet. "If you had been there, we wouldn't be here now". Then there is the rest of me, that is trying to make the best decisions that I think he would want.

This journey is no fun. It really is no fun being an only child dealing with a formerly absent Dad, and yet this is the journey I'm on. They say that God doesn't give you more than you can bear. So, I'm operating on that He thinks I'm capable of handling this and getting through it without having a complete mental breakdown.

I have no idea what the next couple of weeks or months are going to look like, so I'm powering forward, continuing this journey. I don't regret making that call in 2015. That coffee meeting brought me to today and gave me 3 years that I hadn't anticipated having.

His Name is Noah

It's been a while since someone made me cry. Not by their actions but just by being who they are. Tonight, Noah made me cry. I've had the pleasure of spending the last couple of Tuesday nights with him for a very brief snippets of time; a car ride from his "school" to his home. 

Tonight we talked about his life as a high schooler, and all he's learned in life over the last year. If we were giving away awards to kids that had the crappiest hand dealt to them last year, he might win. In fact, he'd give some adults a run for their money. In the midst of all that has happened to him, he shared with me tonight, he's learned so much. A 15yr old with the wisdom of a 50yr old. 

I love his parents, and I wish I could say that Noah is who he is because of them and in part he is, but I think this most of all, Noah is exactly who God created him to be. For some of us it takes well in to adulthood to figure out who we are. Noah figured it out early and has embraced it.

Tonight he voiced his concerns for friends he is no longer in touch with and his hopes for their futures. He talked about his new friends and the joy they've brought to his life. He stressed the importance of having people in your life and the depression that comes with isolation. He talked about the future and all that it holds for him. 

He is the young man parents are proud of. He's the young man that Mother's are happy to have their little boys emulate. He is the young man that a Father will delight that their daughter has chosen him. He is a bright shining star. 

I love this kid. I love him as if he were my own. I wish you all could know this kid. 

His name is Noah. 

Do You Remember...

Tonight I had a conversation with my friend Pam. We've been friends since... I'm not even sure when we became friends! She only lived two blocks away from me growing up, so I feel safe in saying we became friends sometime in elementary school.

One thing I've always appreciated about her is that even in our own personal dramas our friendship never had any drama. In high school we got involved with different crowds and drifted our separate ways, but even with that I don't recall much drama. It was just a part of our growing up and finding ourselves.

I remember sometime around the end of our senior year of high school we found ourselves in the hallway together and we talked about what life had next in store for us. That was the most we had talked in 4 years. As most reunions go these days, we found each other via Facebook and reconnected. I've had the chance to catch up with her when she's in town, learn about her life since we last saw each other, and meet her fantastic kids.

Tonight our conversation didn't start as one of those happy go lucky let's catch up convos, it was just a real honest grown up conversation. Discussing the heartbreak and happiness of life as a grown up. I don't know how, but we veered off in to a walk down memory lane discussing the boys we thought we loved or had serious crushes on as teens. I might have even facebook stalked one during our convo to find out he's still a nerd, and still adorable. We laughed as we both reverted to those 13yr old girls during our chat this evening.

Of course neither one of us wants to stay in that place, but for a moment it was such a blast to have a genuine laugh with someone who's known you at your best and your most awkward (I might still be in my awkward phase). To laugh with someone who knows the crush you had in 8th grade that you should be embarrassed about but still aren't.

There are chapters in our friendship that are missing. And that isn't a bad thing! I wonder if we could be the friends we are today if we had shared all of those experiences growing up together. I don't know that we would.

I'm so thankful for Pam and her years of friendship! I'm excited for her journey and the new chapter she's beginning in her life. And I'm so thankful that I can have a moment to laugh and be 13 again with her!

I'll let you know if that old crush accepts my friend request - after I squeal with giddy excitement

Talk about foreshadowing!

I posted just about 2 weeks ago about how Jacksonville is always a mile marker for me, that is the place I go before life throws me a curve-ball or before I go and mix things up. Maybe deep in my heart I knew that's what was happening when I wrote that blog.

Here I am just a few weeks later, having said goodbye to my job at the church as of Tuesday and looking ahead wondering "WHAT THE CRAP AM I DOING???" I have never been so directionless in my life. But I also don't think I've ever been more certain I am on the right track.

I'm not so naive that I think something is just going to fall in to my lap while I sit here looking at the sky patiently waiting. But I do think in the midst of all of the crazy that is my life, the right thing and I will find each other. "What Do You Want To Be When You Grow Up?" is a question that has bounced around in my head a lot this past week. The truth is I don't have an answer to what career I want to have, but I do know what I want to be when I grow up. I want to be greater. Greater than who I am right now, greater at loving people, and greater at contributing to the lives I encounter in my journey. I don't know yet what that looks like in career setting, but I have no doubt that I will find it. It might be the next thing I do, it might be the collaboration of all the future things I do.

Pardon my rambling, I've had so many thoughts running around in my head this past week, I think this is more for me than it is for anyone else. 

So in the mean time, I'll adjust to post church life - which I'm adjusting to surprisingly well. Did you know people sleep in and go to a thing called "Brunch" on Sundays???? It's a real thing! I did both today and they were glorious!

Thinking

I have just an hour and a half before I leave Jacksonville headed back to San Antonio. I've just said my goodbyes to my best friend and her youngest and in a few minutes her sister, my sister, Rachel will be taking me to the airport.

I've never cared for goodbyes, most people don't, but I've managed to power through them with little difficulty. This trip however is proving to be more difficult. Maybe it's hormones. Or maybe it's because these people are truly like my family. The beach is my second home. Jacksonville has always represented so many things in my life over the years. And as I sit here and think about it now, it's always been a major mile marker. I changed and grew up so much while I lived here, I came back here the day I had the carpet pulled from under me in 2002, I came back here while recovering from heartbreak, I came here and celebrated my best friend's wedding, I came here and sat on the beach before going home to make a major life decision. This place has been a turning point place.

I don't know that this trip is in the midst of a turning point or if it means one is coming. Maybe it's just an overdue visit. But I do know it has a special hold on my heart and the people here are people that I can't even find the words to say how much I love them.

I hate tears. I hate goodbyes. But, I suppose for today I'll embrace both, and I'll look forward to whatever is heading my way.

Skipping ahead

Tonight I find myself watching one of my favorite movies, An Affair to Remember. I've seen this movie more times than I can count.

There are two scenes in this movie that break my heart. The first is when Nicky is waiting for Terry on top of the Empire State Building, feeling like she changed her mind about him, completely unaware that she has suffered a major accident just down below on the street level. 

The second is when Nicky & Terry run in to each other at the theater and have a brief exchange. Terry can't bear to tell Nicky about the accident or how it's changed her life. She just lets him walk away. You can feel Terry's heart breaking as he leaves with so many unspoken questions. 

As I said before, I've seen this movie millions of times. After all these times I still feel their angst and heartbreak. A while back I decided I would start skipping those parts of the movie. Obviously, if you've never seen the movie, you need to see these scenes for the movie to make sense. But for me, I know the story. So I decided I didn't need to endure the sad parts to enjoy the movie. 

I wonder how often we do that in life. We know that tough or hard times are coming. We may not know exactly what they are, but we know when we are in the midst of them or quickly approaching them. We can play the oblivious card and refuse to acknowledge our world crumbling down around us, close our eyes and plug our ears and pray and hope it passes quickly. But what do we miss when we have our eyes squeezed shut?

You're missing part of the story! If you move forward there are parts that just won't make sense because you missed the big stuff. The big stuff can be miserable. It can also be the best stuff. It's the stuff that changes the story! If I never saw those two scenes Nicky & Terry finally finding each other would feel empty. It'd be a nice ending but there's so much I wouldn't understand. It would be a good story, not a great story. Don't miss the moments that make your extraordinary story just a regular story!

The In Between

I'm in a season of in between. Actually it feels like it's been a century, but being that I tend to be a bit dramatic, I recognize that it really hasn't been that long. 

The season of in between, it's something I absolutely love and completely despise at the same time. 

The in between is the most hellish spot to be in, because you aren't in the new yet, and there's remnants of the old and tired - things I want to leave behind, move away from. 

The in between brings me joy because it means I'm moving from the old into something new, something different. It is a place of learning. Being removed enough from what has happened to see where there was failure, where there was success, and where there's room for growth. 

So here I am in the in between, looking ahead. I can see there are things on the horizon that have great promise and potential, but they are yet to be reality. The truth is they may never be reality. As I move closer I might find that they weren't what they appeared to be from a distance and may be something much greater than what I imagined. They might simply be a mirage, a dangling carrot to help move me out of the desert that is the in between. The things I hope for and long for today may not be the things I even consider tomorrow. I'm excited about what is to come - whatever it is.

Today I am thankful for the in between. It's not always comfortable or where I want to be, but in this season, I feel like I've grown and learned more than other times I was hanging out in the in between.

So until the next new shiny chapter, you can find me here in the in between.